awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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