my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
