I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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