i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
