how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize