the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
