the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
