this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
