I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
