I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
