Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
