Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
