apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
