He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
