Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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