btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
