Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
