phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
