Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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