I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
