for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
