Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
