No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Randomize
