Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
