Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
