My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
