i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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