I wish my penis had an off switch
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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