I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
