Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
