Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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