I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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