I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
