names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
