So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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