his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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