dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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