Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
His nipple licking is glorious
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