Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
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