Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
soo... how was my night?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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