Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
