i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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