Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
