Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
