I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
