At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize