last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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