if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
