I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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