i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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