Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
