i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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