You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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