Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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