I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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