There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
