she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
