thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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