I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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