I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
