Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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