What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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